This year is definitely a little different for me. It’ll be my first Mother’s Day without my momma.

I remember sitting in my car last year on Mother’s Day when I received an email that shared a song, Blank Stares by Jay Allen. I immediately asked my husband to play it, and tears began streaming down my face. This song put every single thought that I’ve had for years into words.

Jesus must have known that I needed that song. I needed something or someone to put all my thoughts out there.

It was almost 10 years ago that I sat quietly and heard about the terrible disease that was taking my momma away. I was angry, sad, scared, and down right, a flipping mess. My mom had been fighting Alzheimer’s and then in July of 2019, two months before delivering my twins, it just became too much for her. She was tired, and it pushed her to the edge. She lost her battle with dementia on July 28th, 2019 and if I told you the story about 6:48, you wouldn’t believe me so we’ll save that for another day.

This is a picture of my mom and I at NASCAR. She’s the biggest Earnhardt fan you’ll ever meet and never missed watching a Sunday race.

I’ve almost had all my firsts without her – my birthday, her birthday, thanksgiving, christmas, new years, valentine’s day, easter, and now … the last one – Mother’s Day.

This year, it will hurt. It will remind me of what I have lost and what I will never have again. The person that I’ve had the closest relationship with in my life is gone.

I could let my day be consumed by these thoughts and feelings. But I know the way that I can celebrate her on Mama’s Day is to live like her, and good lord, there are no tears.

You get up, you hug your babies, you make memories, and you remind yourself, that you will never walk alone.

I look forward to Mama’s Day every year – and each year it has become better and better. Five years ago, I celebrated my first mother’s day while I was pregnant with my oldest. He has taught me everything that I know about being a mama. I remember asking the discharge nurse in the hospital if he was buckled in right. Yes, total first mom nerves. Each day since, I’ve learned more about myself than I have in my entire life. I have days where I show up my best self for my kids, and then I have other days where I just can’t get it right. One thing never changes though – how my kids look at me.

I was recently asked who my role model is – and seriously this question is hard. I sat there searching for someone else. And then it came to me…  when it comes to who a role model is, it’s me!  It’s who my kids think I am. I truly wake up each day trying to be the person my kids think I am. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am, and even on my worst of days, they just see their momma. They don’t see the laundry or dishes, or tears. They just see me.

I was honest y’all – this is what I will be thinking about on Mother’s Day. Love and hugs to all you moms out there! You are killing it, even on the hard days. To those who have their moms, treasure this time – make some memories. To those who have lost their mom, my heart is with you – cry a little, and then go and do something for you!

For me – it’s a dance party in the kitchen kind of day – grabbing my kids and jammin out to a little Kip Moore is exactly what this mama needs!